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He broke up with his girlfriend over me just after the New Year because she was getting jealous of me. That started me thinking about Jake in a different way and I think it made him look at me differently too because it wasn't long after that that we started being real uncomfortable around each other," she explained, her face red with embarassment, though whether it was remembered embarrassment or that she was just uncomfortable talking about it with me, I don't know. "My mom noticed and we had a couple of long talks. I guess Jake talked to someone too because we both came to the conclusion that we needed to talk at about the same time. We still hang out like we used to, but now we also go to the movies or out to eat in town every once in a while. Besides, he is kinda cute, isn't he?" she asked with a hesitant smile on her face.I was about to ask, in a really incredulous tone of voice, "Jake? Cute?" Then I really thought about it and I shrugged and said, "I guess. I mean, he's just. I didn't turn on the light – bathrooms have mirrors, and I desperately didn't want to see myself. I fumbled for the toilet seat, lifted it, undid my jeans, and pushed them down. Steadying myself on the wall, I sat, and let flow.My pee smelled and stung. I peed a lot. Dehydration. Drink water dummy.And then I was like, Why? I was supposed to be dead. Peace and quiet and dead. Why couldn't I be dead? I couldn't even kill myself successfully, not even with pills and a bridge to jump off of. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK. I felt tears tickle the corners of my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want anything. What I wanted was nothing, or really, nothingness. I just wanted everything to be over.Sniffling, I wiped, pulled up my pants, flushed, and turned to the sink. Dixie cups, in a little dispenser. It was like I was a little girl again, playing with the Dixie cups in the bathroom and "slubbing" in the sink. Mamma!Mamma. Crap.I filled a little cup with water and drank, filled it again, drank again,.
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During the night I switched from conversation to conversation, gradually working my way along the group towards her. But unfortunately I didn’t get to her before closing time. For the next week I could think of nothing but her. When I went to bed my last thought was of her and when I woke she was in my first. The physiologists say that men think of sex once every five minutes, well I seemed to have changed that thought to Alexandra. At that time I knew that I was going to have sex with her. Now I know I wanted much more than just sex from her. It was a sensation of almost physical hunger. I wanted to touch her and see her and be with. To smell her even! I’ve never paid much attention to smell with a woman before. Except on the odd occasion when I meet a woman who seemingly uses a perfume designed to fumigate the whole room. But with Alexandra it was as if I wanted to devour her with all my senses. I can’t remember what the lecture at next week’s meeting of the Club was about. But I.

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